My Story

I started working on myself at a very young age. The 1980’s were the height of the self-esteem movement and I was on board. My middle-school self would not be happy about this, but here’s proof from my first journal:

It’s January 13, 1986. (New Year’s resolution time!) I’m 13 years old.

These are the points about myself that I really HATE:

• Big Nose

• Hair that’s too thick and puffs up

• Low self-esteem

• Too jealous

• Make problems worse than they really are

I then go on to list a bunch of upbeat possible solutions such as: Learn makeup techniques! Be optimistic! Laugh off your problems! But the thing that was really causing all of my troubles was hidden in plain sight — SELF-HATE.

My quest for self-esteem depended on two things: how much/well I could do, and receiving positive feedback. As long as I was able to do a lot of things, very well, and get positive feedback, I was fine.

I would try to preempt any external criticism or failure by developing my own inner critic. No one could hate me as much as I hated myself. Motivated by the harsh, unrelenting voice of my inner critic I continued working on myself for a very long time.

Here’s the problem — having to do a lot of things, very well, all of the time, in order to receive external validation is not a sustainable way to live.

Fast forward a few decades and in a lot of ways, I was still operating according my middle school rules.

Just before my 33rd birthday I was a mom of three (a 4-year old, a 21-month-old and a newborn). My husband (who is a Rabbi) and I had a congregation that met in the lower half of our house and our beautifully renovated garage. It was a tremendous amount of work - mostly hosting large weekly Shabbat and Holiday meals. I also had a catering business that I ran out of my kitchen. I lived for the amazed comments that I would get in response to how much I could do and how great my food was. Still, many nights I would go to bed in tears, thinking horrible thoughts about myself because I just didn’t do enough.

I was beyond exhausted but pushed myself to keep going. This pushing was largely fueled by shame, chocolate and diet coke.

Finally, my body, through a major health collapse, forced me to slow down.

I now see this forced slow-down as one of the biggest blessings in my life. It motivated me to shift my life from the relentless search for self-esteem to the more worthwhile and sustainable practice of self-compassion. To shift from the harsh reality of working on myself to the more gentle, effective and sustainable practice of working with myself. Working with myself is a daily, often moment-by-moment, practice - not a striving for perfection. However, the more I practice, the more skillful I get in navigating the ups and downs of living.

If you are ready to stop working on yourself and start working with yourself instead, it would be my deepest honor to support you in your journey.